So let’s chat my mama-wife friends. And all mama-significant others. So often we hear about “mom guilt” for a variety of reasons. And we learn how to stop being so hard on ourselves and come up with ways to tackle it. But there is another relationship in some of our lives that sometimes goes by the wayside when we are mothers. Our “couples” relationship. Our significant other, our twosome, or partner in this crazy journey called life. A lot of the time we get so busy in our day to day lives that we go through the motions and do what we have to do to be able survive until bedtime. If your anything like my household once the kiddos are in bed we are off to our separate rooms/couches/TVs/bedtimes. It happens, it’s the truth, and some days we just are “so tired” that we just head to bed without any real conversation. Did I even ask my partner how he is, how was his day, how he is doing? DidI pay any attention to him outside of complaining about the day? Or taking out all of my stress on him? I’ve been there 🙋🏼♀️ done all the above!
Then the partner guilt sits in coupled with insecurity, low self esteem, and anxiety. Do I matterAm I good enough? Do they still love me? Am I boring? We begin going through our relationship questioning our worth. Wondering do we really appreciate each other? When was the last time I told my spouse I APRRECIATE something they have done just to make them feel good? Do I ever empathize or validate their feelings to let them know I’m really listening. Have I ever asked if my partner feels heard? Now Some of my nay sayers mamas will say well they don’t do that for me?!￼￼
Oh mama don’t go there. For one it’s a whole OTHER topic. And right now we aren’t talking about you we are talking about THEM. Do you deserve the same respect and courtesy of course you do but in THIS 👇🏻 moment we are talking about your significant other. They have to matter sometime, their feelings have to matter sometime, they have to be put first above our own needs at some point. So just be mindful for a moment and hold your opinion for another article😉😘
Well after several days or weeks of not addressing their needs most couples start feeling disconnected. They blame each other, get frustrated, avoid, sometimes hope that it will fix itself. But it doesn’t. Sometimes resentment builds and everything comes out after some huge blow out through criticism and defensiveness. For others they will go great lengths to never share their feelings. These are our “stone wallers” they avoid, ignore, or shut down the conversation. Communication breakdown can be caused by multiple issues the important piece is learning how to fix it. I always say as a therapist if you can talk with your partner you can solve anything.
So on top of questioning our own self worth, feeling mom guilt, and now wife guilt. What do we do about it?
1. Forgive yourself quickly. Your only human and you can’t do everything perfectly. (There is no such thing)
2. Chat with your partner. Set aside 15 mins to have a couples check in. Ask them how they are and talk about how disconnected you feel from them lately. Be open and honest. Listen for how they feel and Validate how they feel. “I’m so sorry you feel that way I can understand why you do”.
3. Make a request for change (never be afraid to ask for what you want) Ask them what you guys can do together to feel more connected. Ask them what they need from you…
Some suggestions of my favorite suggestions:
1. Set up a date night once a week/month
2. Plan a weekend getaway for each other. You both have to go on it no complaining!
3. Start a new hobby together. Learn to cook, set up a family game night, try something new, have fun.
4. Make regular times to talk, cuddle, have sex, and just emotionally connect with each other.
sometimes you just have to put in a little more effort and it creates really big changes my dear ❤️
Well that’s a wrap mama friends. Until next time! Happy living, happy laughing, happy loving XoXo…..